Well, thats it. I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to pull together a time line, sometimes you just need to know the truth.
He dumped me for her
He added her on Facebook 6 days after he dumped me, he dumped me because he wanted to get with, was getting with her. I have spent the last 8 months trying to persuade myself not to be angry, to accept that these things happen and sticking up for him against every bad thing everyone said.
'He's not a bad person, he's just a bit thoughtless at times'
Well I'm officially a dick, he is a wanker, he's a heartless, using, uncaring, mean bastard. He continued to text me all summer saying he wanted to see me and at one point even denying he ever dumped me.
I'm over it, this anger will soon turn into utter disregard for him and everything connected to him.
So here's to 2012, to finding a good man, finally. And to hoping that class A C**T gets struck by lightening, and if not that, then at least the recession.
MissE
Tuesday 20 December 2011
One of those Days
Today I woke up, covered in sweat and trying to work out reality from the awful images that seconds before had consumed my head. He's done, moved on, completely over it, and worse than that? their official, hand in hand, boyfriend and girlfriend.
And I'm sitting here, panting, still having dreams/ nightmares about him and his new me. Why can't I move on? I keep convincing myself theirs no one worth while out there and my new man option just hasn't come along. All of those man options and no one worth while...really?
My sister spent the last 5 years getting over her x boyfriend who brutally dumped her for a younger version of herself. His mother died early this year and she came to his rescue, all the way till her funeral where he completely ignored her whilst clinging desperately to the new her. That was it, the slap in the face she needed to finally forget and move on, one month later, and she has a fully comital, loving relationship with a wonderful boy.
So what if these man options previously listed are suitable options and I just won't let myself consider them? I'm still stuck in the 'I'm a girlfriend already, so please leave me alone' phase. I'm not a girlfriend, I'm not in love, I've not moved on. So what should I do to finally get out of this love slump? I'm so bored of it, I stalked his Facebook page today and felt that hot burning feeling that I felt the first time he dumped me. Please God make it end, its horrible, I just need a man that will stay, won't be mean and won't bail at the first whisper of long term commitment.
So I'm sending out an official plea, please please please send me someone to get me over this and take away this burning sensation. In public I insist that a man would intrude on my independence and wouldn't be welcome, but here, I'll admit openly, I need a man.
So please God, send me 2012 with new hope and a man, a real man
MissE
Sunday 11 December 2011
So Many Choices and Still No Options
I have officially resided myself to the nunnery in my head, the mixing of men, emotions and me, is now banned. I say the nunnery in my head because I'm enforcing this ban mentally, whilst physically enjoying the benefits of my previously detailed, fuck buddy. I am perfectly able to enjoy the physical pleasures of a man, but the emotional bullshit is officially off my christmas list.
But as everyone knows, the best way to attract a member of the opposite sex is to not want them, so, obviously, I have now found myself with a conveyer belt of man options.
Man number one is a long standing friend of mine, easy on the eyes if you catch my drift. Two years of constant classroom fantasies of his plentiful manhood and now, when I decide to leave my pursuit of the perfect man behind me, he steps up, hands at the go go... and I? couldn't be less interested. Nowt, nothing, nada, couldn't raise my interests if he came smothered in chocolate with a year long promise of multiple orgasms attached... So thats Johnny, Man choice one.
A few days after my meeting with Johnny, I decided to attend an impromptu meet up with old friends in a lovely little restaurant in London and who happens to of joined the merriment, but the gorgeously dark and handsome man who filled my head for two years of school room boredom. Whilst starring into those wonderful eyes, I saw that look. That look that every girl knows means one thing, he's interested. Two years of longing looks in the school yard stretch and now, 5 years later, he decides to offer a protective and very flirty hand... at times like this I believe the universe does have a sense of humour... Connor, Man choice two.
Now there is the long time friend who I met whilst travelling in Thailand, always made suggestive remarks and witty hints but never committed to any type of real emotions. But, obviously, whilst on a night out in the drunken pit of Black Dog Ballroom last night, he decided to introduce his tongue to my unexpecting mouth and declared long felt love for my shocked and confused looking face.... Thailander, Man choice three.
Now I'm not one for being completely arrogant but when a guy grabs my hand for no obvious reason, or attempts to shove his tongue down my throat, I can take a hint. I had happily resided myself to my weekly fuck buddy meet ups and a 6 month break from my eternal man hunt. Yet here I sit, utterly bewildered and totally unattracted by my sudden influx of man choices. I literally wished on stars for this personal man buffet three months ago but here they are and my interest levels out of 10? minus 5.
I could write books on the reasons why I should give each of these men a chance and silence my voices of cynicism and negativity, but the idea of spending time with a man in the hope that one day my interests and emotions will finally be peeked, is well..... uninteresting. My emotional need for a man to call me his beloved and spoon without question, has at long last it seems, died.
Maybe by satisfying my physical needs with the simplest of situations, my urgency to find a significant other has been diminished, or maybe I just passed the point of caring. The idea of finding a man who knows how to satisfy a women, whilst also having the increasingly rare attributes of humour, intelligence and simply having a fucking clue, just seems unimaginable. I could give these men a go, but the chances are, a few weeks/months in, numerous short comings and disappointments would inevitably come to light and my time would once again of been utterly wasted.
Even my convenient and uncomplicated fuck buddy has the increasingly annoying problem of never finishing in the bedroom. Excuse being, after 4 years of wanting and waiting, the actually reality of receiving is so nerve racking he finds himself unable to relax and complete. So why should I invest time and effort into these suddenly available man options, just to find there completely wrong for me later on down the line?
At which point does self preservation kick in to protect ones ever decreasing belief in finding the one? And have I infact, already reached this point of utter disinterest?
Answer? Unknown.
Decision? Stay tuned.
MissE
But as everyone knows, the best way to attract a member of the opposite sex is to not want them, so, obviously, I have now found myself with a conveyer belt of man options.
Man number one is a long standing friend of mine, easy on the eyes if you catch my drift. Two years of constant classroom fantasies of his plentiful manhood and now, when I decide to leave my pursuit of the perfect man behind me, he steps up, hands at the go go... and I? couldn't be less interested. Nowt, nothing, nada, couldn't raise my interests if he came smothered in chocolate with a year long promise of multiple orgasms attached... So thats Johnny, Man choice one.
A few days after my meeting with Johnny, I decided to attend an impromptu meet up with old friends in a lovely little restaurant in London and who happens to of joined the merriment, but the gorgeously dark and handsome man who filled my head for two years of school room boredom. Whilst starring into those wonderful eyes, I saw that look. That look that every girl knows means one thing, he's interested. Two years of longing looks in the school yard stretch and now, 5 years later, he decides to offer a protective and very flirty hand... at times like this I believe the universe does have a sense of humour... Connor, Man choice two.
Now there is the long time friend who I met whilst travelling in Thailand, always made suggestive remarks and witty hints but never committed to any type of real emotions. But, obviously, whilst on a night out in the drunken pit of Black Dog Ballroom last night, he decided to introduce his tongue to my unexpecting mouth and declared long felt love for my shocked and confused looking face.... Thailander, Man choice three.
Now I'm not one for being completely arrogant but when a guy grabs my hand for no obvious reason, or attempts to shove his tongue down my throat, I can take a hint. I had happily resided myself to my weekly fuck buddy meet ups and a 6 month break from my eternal man hunt. Yet here I sit, utterly bewildered and totally unattracted by my sudden influx of man choices. I literally wished on stars for this personal man buffet three months ago but here they are and my interest levels out of 10? minus 5.
I could write books on the reasons why I should give each of these men a chance and silence my voices of cynicism and negativity, but the idea of spending time with a man in the hope that one day my interests and emotions will finally be peeked, is well..... uninteresting. My emotional need for a man to call me his beloved and spoon without question, has at long last it seems, died.
Maybe by satisfying my physical needs with the simplest of situations, my urgency to find a significant other has been diminished, or maybe I just passed the point of caring. The idea of finding a man who knows how to satisfy a women, whilst also having the increasingly rare attributes of humour, intelligence and simply having a fucking clue, just seems unimaginable. I could give these men a go, but the chances are, a few weeks/months in, numerous short comings and disappointments would inevitably come to light and my time would once again of been utterly wasted.
Even my convenient and uncomplicated fuck buddy has the increasingly annoying problem of never finishing in the bedroom. Excuse being, after 4 years of wanting and waiting, the actually reality of receiving is so nerve racking he finds himself unable to relax and complete. So why should I invest time and effort into these suddenly available man options, just to find there completely wrong for me later on down the line?
At which point does self preservation kick in to protect ones ever decreasing belief in finding the one? And have I infact, already reached this point of utter disinterest?
Answer? Unknown.
Decision? Stay tuned.
MissE
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