Sunday, 20 November 2011

"I Want to Raid your Honour"

A Different Manchester Weekend 

Sometimes the goals you hold dearest can seem completely unattainable and the pursuit of such high hoped dreams pointless.  I have found that the one piece of advice so often handed out is annoyingly, the right one, you will find what you want when you stop searching for it.  As an eternal single, I find this theme runs most often in my love life, though as time has gone on it has seeped into my everyday.  'Henry' once boasted to me (in his annoyingly arrogant way), "I'm so laid back, I'm practically horizontal"...well, what response can anyone give to that.  I have always struggled with my temper and inability to accept authority.  Till one day, standing on an underground platform, waiting for the over due arriving of my train, I found myself consumed with anger and a steadily rising body temperature.  Suddenly I realised I couldn't be this angry over something so trivial and completely out of my control.  It's a train, a matter of minutes late, if I can't handle this, I'm fucked.  And there it was, acceptance.  After this enlightening moment I finally managed to get a grip on my anger and became more 'horizontal'.  

However, whilst living at home this summer, under the authority of my mother and ever opinionated and preaching sister, I lost my enlightenment.   Since then it has been a slow progression into sheer anger at everything and most people (as my blog entries probably show).  But enough is enough, no one can succeed and be happy in a permanent state of utter rage and hatred.  So I have now decided to start again, I'm living in my student house under my rules, with the continual help rather than hinderance of my housemates, so theres no excuse for anger.  I will stop eating my way through a life supply of calories, critiquing and judging every new hand I shake and giving up every time things go a little off track.  I can't make promises but I can make goals that are attainable and with the knowledge that I have achieved them before, I'm sure I can again.  

My weekend was spent with the ever calming presence of my darling (we'll call her Juliet....her normal name is also taken from a Shakespearian play) Juliet.  We spend time talking under the warmth of my electric blanket and hours touring store after store, trying on the ridiculous and the obscure items of highstreet fashion today. I became 'London MissE', rather than the angry, awkward and stupidly shy 'Manchester MissE', all my northern friends have come to know.  If I could do it for 2 days with her by my side, I can do it for one months without her physical presence.  So I will, I will breathe, count to ten, consider the situation and reasons for the situation and find an alternative reaction. Maybe then my New Years revolution can be to improve on my current work, rather than to change everything and completely write 2011 off.  

So, I'm going to keep to my attainable goal, a better me by January.  If I don't like me, I'm fucked if I think anyone else will.


No comments:

Post a Comment