Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Normality Resumes and So Do I

Manchester to London to Brighton to London to Manchester

Well I have had my time of rest and now I am to resume as normal back in the rainy old city of Manchester.  The dreaded letter from the Manchester Infirmary finally arrived at my surgery yesterday,  a detailed description of the events and the consequences on my 'incident'.  She talks as though I am to apologise for my behaviour, I am, but that does not stop me from resenting her for saying it out loud.  My actions are my own, I can do as I please as long as I am willing to take the consequences for myself and those around me.  However some of our actions effect those around us without them meaning to, sometimes it would be nice if people stayed out of our private affairs and left us to act in a manner which is best for us alone.

My eyes are no longer puffy and my arms are no longer punctured with holes, so normality can resume.  This is fine, there is far to much going on around us for self obsession, the answer is to engross ones self in this action and ensure there is no time to think or obsess.  I enjoy being busy, it makes resting far more enjoyable.  I work, spend countless hours in the library and I observe my hobbies as thought they were scheduled and unoptional.

I have a passion for film watching and find their world far more interesting than my own...who doesn't.  This weekend is the release of Twilight Breaking Dawn, a film based around the typical theme love conquering all.  This theme is recycled beyond any other, yet it is one I am sure most people have known personally.  I have been involved and sadly obsessed with the same boy (not man) since the spring of my first year at University, lets call him Henry.  My friend added him on Facebook the day after we met and told me his status said he was in a relationship.  He didn't except my Facebook friend request till about 5 days after this, by which time, his status was undisclosed.  If this was not a sign of things to come... I take signs far more seriously now, especially those based on logic.  Four years later and I still can't manage to picture myself when I'm older without him.  He obviously, doesn't have this problem.  Three notable times he has left me and more but with apologises followed soon after.  I have tried dating other people but I can't seem to make myself believe it to be anything more than simple amusement, they are play toys and simply there to pass the time.

The last time he ended things (last April) he did so one week before a romantic weekend away we had booked months before.  I was at a friends house early on Sunday morning, he called, I answered like any other day, I didn't realise it was one of those days, the days when he decides he no longer wants to see me.  I refuse to be an emotional women and give him the grief and sadness he seems so much to want, so I tell him he is an idiot and I do not want to hear anymore of his silly words.  Two months pass and I do not respond to a single text or call, not a word, this is my form of punishment.  He wants me most during this times of silence.  Finally, my feelings of sympathy for my cruel and unkind behaviour take over and my silence is broken and just like that, he wins and I am back to those first few months when I was his mistress.

We were not on good terms before my illness, he has a new girl, she's beautiful, he says they are just 'seeing' eachother, but that was me once. So we have agreed, after seven months to finally meet again in January, just as friends, to end on good terms.  I have two months to decide if this is a good idea or if it will bring me right back to last April.  I know these meet ups all too well, as he acts unfazed and distracted, I can do nothing but smile at him and try with all my might to bring his attention back to me.  I don't always know I'm doing it, but I am, I'm always trying to bring him back to me.   So I have two months, to make myself better than him, any girl that has ever had 'that boy' will understand my lack of confidence in this task.  We will see.

Till then, keep reading


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